What’s in a name? 

 

What’s in a name? This is a question I never thought I would ponder. I always thought it was neat to know the meaning of a name. You know, for example, knowing my own name meaning “butterfly”. It’s fun for me because butterflies are so graceful to watch. And, being a ballet dancer, it suits me. But beyond that, I never thought much into name meanings as far as picking names out for my future kids. Just looking at names based solely on what I thought sounded cute. 

That all changed almost 3 years ago. And here is why…

June of 2013, on a Saturday, I took a home pregnancy test that was positive! I was so excited I wanted to scream. I couldn’t wait to tell Brett. This was almost exactly a year after we had started trying to start our family so we were beyond ready to start this journey of being parents. During this time, I was living with my parents while Brett was in AIT. On the weekends he got to stay with us, but had to be in the barracks during the week. (So, how we got pregnant in the first place with so little time together is beyond me. Definitely a blessing from God.) This particular weekend, he had some kind of training scheduled on that Saturday so I wasn’t going to be able to see him until church on Sunday. Getting to tell him such exciting news was something I had dreamed about from the beginning. We were both on cloud 9!

Well, the next day, Monday, I went in to have my official test done at the doctor’s office and then made a follow up for that Wednesday to get the test results and set up a referral to the OB. The wait between Monday and Wednesday seemed like months instead of days. I was just beside myself with anxiousness waiting to know what the results were! 

Wednesday came around. A day that is etched in my memory like it was yesterday.

I woke up in what seemed like a nightmare.

My alarm went off and I went to restroom. I had started spotting. I was trying not to get to nervous about it. I mean a lot of women have some spotting during pregnancy and nothing comes of it. But, I was thankful that I had a doctor’s appointment to just ask about it. Pretty much hoping that my PCM would just reassure me that it was no big deal and move on. 

I had got to my appointment and in the triage, the nurse figured out I was probably about 6 weeks according to my cycle. So that was exciting. But then she asked if had an noticeable bleeding since I made the appointment. And I told her that I was spotting when I woke up that morning. Without saying anything, she got up and left the room. Then my PCM came in and told me I needed to go straight to the ER. I went to go get my mom on the way to the ER to have some support. By this point, I hadn’t told her yet because Brett and I wanted to tell them together and do a surprise reveal kind of thing. I am so thankful for her being there. I don’t think that I could have made it through the time in the ER by myself. 

That was not exactly how I was expecting to start this, what was supposed to be a happy and exciting day. 

To make a long short, I had miscarried the baby. I found out on a Saturday the exciting news and by Wednesday, the baby was gone.

Going home from the ER that afternoon/evening, I was not looking forward to the phone call to tell Brett. My heart ached. Before I called him, I called my lovely paster’s wife from our home church in Arkansas and was talking to her about it. The one thing in the conversation that stuck out the most was her asking me if I had named the baby. This kind of threw me off because I hadn’t really thought about it. I didn’t even know if it was a boy or a girl. How was I supposed to name a baby that I had never actually gotten to see. Not even of an ultra sound. She told me, every life deserves a name. So I brought it up to Brett during our phone call. 

He, at first, didn’t like the idea of naming the baby. Like it hurt to much to think about it and put a name to a child he would never meet. However, throughout the conversation, I finally got him to agree and he just said the first name that came to his mind, “Jonathan”. I agreed, for the main reason that at least he was willing to name the baby. Not really for any other reason. We left it at that.

Less than a year later, Brett decided to look into the meaning of the name, Jonathan. He shared with me what he found that night and I cried. The name Jonathan means, “God has Given”. From that I knew, that even though we never got to hold Jonathan in our arms, or watch him grow, that God had truly given us this precious gift no matter how short of a time we had with him. From that point on, I don’t take names lightly. Names will always be prayed over and thought through before we name our children. (I just love how God works in even what seems like the littlest aspects of our lives.) 

The above picture is an ornament we got and had Jonathan’s name put on it with the meaning so we always have something that will remind of us of this gift that God gave us. 

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The Best Love Story Ever Told

 

(This picture was about a month after we started dating. 😍)

 
…at least to me it is. 💞

Let me just start by saying that any journey to becoming parents, especially if you have trouble conceiving, cannot be traveled without a healthy and strong marriage. My plan for this section of the blog, “True Love”, is to put in marriage tips, date ideas and much more to help keep the fire burning in our marriages while getting through this challenging time. And, maybe fall in love with your spouse all over again! But first, our love story on how we met! (Because it’s so much fun to tell 😜)

All growing up through high school and almost all of college I never went out on a single date with anyone. I barely even had guy friends. (Growing up going to a ballet studio 5 days a week might have had something to do with that…hmm) Closer to the end of my time in college, I had gone out on about two first dates that were set up by friends that were, well, let’s just say those two guys were better off finding other girls that were better suited for their personality. 

After college, I moved to Arkansas and started teaching dance at a local studio down there. Moving there Summer of 2009. That following September, I had attended a weekend event for swing dancers (the kind of dancing set to old big band music of the 40s. If you have never tried it you should!) where I went to a workshop class. There, I was partnered with this guy that had also showed up without a partner to the class. He was a pretty cute red head and I was kinda distracted by his looks and personality. It was kinda hard to pay attention to the class! 😉 Found out his name was, you guessed it, Brett. 

When the weekend of classes and dances was over, we went our separate ways and went on with life. I couldn’t get my mind off of this cute red head though. Always wanting to know what he was up to and if he was thinking of me at all. (I was a little twitterpated by him if you couldn’t tell.) Me being stubborn and old fashion, I wasn’t going to reach out to him. He was the guy so he needed to make the first move, by golly! And, he did! At the end of December, yes 3 long months later, he finally contacted me through Facebook. We hit it off right away. The downfall, he lived an hour away. But he was willing to drive an hour to meet with me for dinner and take a dance class together. I was so excited about the chance to get to see him again! 

The night went exactly how I had hoped. The ease of talking to him, and the fun we had at the class just topped off everything! I just knew from then on that this was meant to be, that this was the start of what was going to be the best adventure I would ever be on! And it is!

Let’s Start from the Very Beginning…

imageHere goes nothing…Putting thoughts to paper is never easy. Putting thoughts to paper for all the world to see? Well, that’s a whole different level.

For the past few months, I have felt the pull to start this blog. The idea of putting my thoughts, emotions, trials in the open scared me to death. What will people say? What will people think? Who will actually care enough to read this blog? But, then in my prayer time the Lord made it very clear to me that all of those things didn’t really matter and He will take care of it. So, here I am. Little ol’ me. Doing something I thought I would never do…putting my thoughts and life in a blog.

For the past 3 years and 7 months (not that I am counting) my husband, Brett, and I have been on a journey that has been trying on us both as a couple and individually. That journey is one to become parents. When we started this process, there was no way we would have ever thought we would be at this place we are now. Never would we have dreamed this would be our life. What has our journey been like, you may ask?

Well, let’s start from the very beginning…..

My husband and I had been married for about 8 months when we decided to grow our family. We both have always loved kids and had a strong desire to be parents. After about 6 months into the process, with no success, I felt that something wasn’t right. However, everyone was saying to give it more time and doctors were not too concerned with anything either. With all of that, I tried to put my worries behind me and keep planning toward the future. Little did I know the future I was planning for, hoping for, dreaming for, would still not be here.

To summarize most of what we have been through in this almost 4 year process; 2 laparoscopic surgeries, diagnosed with endometriosis, a septum removal from my uterus, 4 unsuccessful treatment cycles with my OB, being referred to a fertility specialist, 3 injection cycles with him, along with one cycle of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination: I will go into more details of this procedure in a later post.). Along the way, we have also had 2 miscarriages that both occurred at about 6 weeks. Phew! Quite the rollercoaster ride.

This leads me to our most recent appointment with the specialist…

At our last appointment, our fertility doctor was at a loss as to why we haven’t been successful yet. With all the tests and treatments we have had done, he said there was no obvious reason for the lack of conceiving. His only “diagnosis” he give us was “unexplained infertility.” That felt like a punch in the gut and a stab in the heart all at once. If the specialist couldn’t give us answers, then what hope did we have of being able to have our own children? We left there feeling defeated. But we know that God always has a plan. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” So that’s what we are doing, putting our hope and trust in God. He wouldn’t have placed this dream in hearts so strongly for no reason.

With our transition out of the Army, we decided it would be best to put treatments on hold until the stress of the move and new jobs where’s down. As of this moment, we are in a season of waiting when it comes to our fertility journey. Always praying though. God has a plan and a reason for all of this and I have grown and learned a lot about myself in this process as well. It is never easy, but God has never left my side.

For anyone who may be reading this and going through similar circumstances, know that I am always praying for you. I want to be here to encourage you and support you in the process!