Time for another testimony through infertility. This time, secondary infertility. Kim and I met in collage and have stayed in touch through the years. I hope that her story will encourage anyone out there who may have a similar story to not give up and keep trusting that God will hear your prayers in the perfect timing.
My husband and I have been married 7 years, 7, Wow REALLY? Sometimes I can’t believe it’s only been 7 years. We’ve been through a myriad of struggles, and health concerns in just 7 short years. In those 7 years my husband lost his brother, had a stroke, we lost a child due to miscarriage and learned that we will likely not be able to have any more children, well naturally that is. We have one daughter that was born in 2012 she is, spunky, fiery and so smart, I am in awe that she is as smart as she is, at such a young age. When we got married I always knew we would adopt, but I didn’t know that it would become one of our only options at such a young age and that I would be facing secondary infertility, the inability to have children after one child, at all.
So lets start at the beginning, We got married in 2010, YAY! It was a wonderful wedding followed by a fabulous year of us. I found out I was pregnant on our 1st anniversary trip around Pennsylvania to visit family and to show off my home state, which is the BEST. We were thrilled, well beyond thrilled, I couldn’t wait to welcome our little girl into the world. She was born a health but tiny 4 pounds 7 oz she was a spitfire from the start. I was so excited to have her, and since I was able to stay home with her J and I decided to keep our kiddos close together and we started trying not to prevent pregnancy when she was 6 months old. I figured it would happen within the first 6 months or so, like it did the first time, well it didn’t but we found ourselves in the hospital that Jan 1st J had a stroke New Years Eve and he was in the ICU for about a week relearning to walk, and talk. We were so lucky, his stroke was minor but it was caused by high blood pressure, which apparently he had for quite some time, but never was treated. So we were now treating his blood pressure and his heart anomalies and we were good back to baby #2. On Jan 1st of the next year we found ourselves in the hospital again, I was miscarrying and we were crushed.
Fast Forward to now we have been trying for almost 5 years for baby #2, we decided to enter a clinical trial to help us get some of our fertility testing done so we wouldn’t have to pay out of pocket so much. Man, fertility treatments and testing are outrageously expensive, what the heck people!! Anyway we found out that some of the medications are affecting J’s count, and it has become almost non-existent, in that there are very few if any alive and most of those don’t move. So alright lets talk to our GP he can change up the medications and no worries we’ll be cracking. The GP where he is nice and very understanding, he had some pretty bad news for us. The medication causing the problems not one we can discontinue, likely ever with J’s family medical history and the stroke.
So lets talk about the serious blow this was. I mean I don’t know any other words to describe it than I lost hope, all of it, I cried, I blamed God, I even felt like a total failure. I kept thinking wow maybe I am not a good enough mom and that’s why we can’t have another baby, maybe I am being punished for something, maybe God has just forgotten me, and to be honest these thought still creep up A LOT! It is so hard to have faith when we’ve been waiting, for an adoption for 3 years or anther pregnancy for 5. It’s also hard to confide in others, because most people don’t really know what to say, or they say really hurtful/unhelpful things, especially since we already have one child. I hear most often, mostly from women who are suffering from traditional infertility, you have one just be happy with her, don’t you know we can’t have any. I know I am blessed with E she is seriously the best thing I have ever done but it doesn’t erase the desire to see her grow up with siblings. We’ve always wanted at least 4 kiddos, and I am still hopeful we will adopt several, or have a few more. I find on my hardest days to tell God exactly how I am feeling, when J lost his brother he said the most helpful was to tell God he was mad, upset, and angry about what happened. That has been the most helpful thing to me as well. Also saying NO, to things I am not ready for, sometimes it’s a baby shower, or holding someone’s baby or even tv shows. Also telling people when they say something hurtful or unhelpful, my mom whom I love to death, has told me ‘maybe it’s just not your time.’ where is maybe right that is so unhelpful and it can be hard to have to tell our loved ones, please don’t say that, it will be better for everyone’s sanity if you do.
This whole thing has been a hard one to come to grips with, but I think I am finally ready to say I am suffering from secondary infertility but I will not allow that to steal my joy. My joy in motherhood, my joy in my marriage, my joy in my Savior, or my joy in my everyday life. God truly does know our storm, and knows how to calm our fears, doubts, and hurts. He knows and is always with us.