Halfway to My Dream!

Wow! I am right around 20 weeks! How could this even be possible? Something that I thought was not in the near future for us or even at all happened out of no where and we are already half way through this pregnancy! At times it doesn’t even seem real. Like it’s all a dream and I am about to wake up from it. But then in the same breath, I am know it’s real. I know that God has truly blessed us with this miracle and am ready now more than ever to hold my little angel in my arms and be a mother. 

We halfway to the biggest life changing event to ever happen to me and my husband and we are on cloud nine. To summarize the first half of this crazy adventure here is a a quick overview…

-At the very beginning: when I decided to just take a home pregnancy test “just for the heck of it” and it was positive, I thought that I was going insane! I got another one just to make sure, and then low and behold, there it was clear as day. That was when I set out to find a OB as soon as possible to confirm the test. 

I found one that was covered by my insurance and the soonest they could get me in was on the fifth day after I took the at home test. This was a little scary to me because the last 2 pregnancies I miscarried on the fifth day after finding out we were pregnant. But it was confirmed and we were off to a great and healthy start! 

-Week 12: Up until this point, everything was uneventful. Checkups were good. Ultrasound good. Nothing to be concerned about whatsoever. Then while I was at work one night, I got a sudden sharp abdominal pain that I ended up leaving work early and went to the ER. In an ultrasound, They found bleeding in my uterus which could be nothing but could also be an early sign of miscarriage. This scared me to death. The doctor put me on bed rest for a week and my follow up was all clear and everything was back to normal. Thank you Jesus! 

-Week 19: Another uneventful few weeks leading up to probably the worst back pain that I have ever had in my life. I called my OB office and talked to a nurse and she told me there really isn’t anything that they could do about it. All the treatments that are done for that kind of back pain I couldn’t do because, you guessed it, I am pregnant. But, she did say that I could go to a chiropractor as a pregnant person and referred me to one that they send there patients too. And now, about 3 days later, almost no back pain! The Chiropractor said I had a displaced nerve that was causing the pain. Now the nerve is back in place and I am functioning once again. 

-Week 20: Week 20 officially starts this Monday! 5 months! Really! I can only give thanks and credit to the Lord for this gift. And I couldn’t be happier. 

Although the waiting was and is hard, I learned a lot in the process. About myself. About my husband and our relationship. About God and His perfect timing for everything. All those lessons I would not trade for the world. Going through the journey of infertility also brought me into a world that I knew very little about. That I didn’t really think much about at all. This community of ladies are truly a blessing and encouraging and I wouldn’t trade anything for the opportunity to get to know, encourage, and love on every person that reads this blog. Something I wouldn’t have if I didn’t go through what I went through.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to yell and scream from the rooftops how excited I am for everyday that I have with my little one growing inside me. One day closer. One more day with no problems. It’s pretty exciting! 

Be encouraged sweet sister, as you go through your own unique journey to becoming a mommy and holding that sweet child in your arms, that you too WILL reach this point. After close to 4 years for us, I didn’t think it would even happen and it did. You are closer to your dream than you know. God is there with you to help you through and so am I. Don’t loose sight of that. 

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Love Another Day

Through the years of trying to grow our family, my husband and I have been very deliberate about still growing together as a couple. Doing Bible studies together, going on dates together, and just being in each other’s company whenever we could. A lot of times whenever couples go through infertility, they start to feel alone. All of their focus is so much on trying to have a family that they start to fade away from each other. Fading away so much so that their relationship, by the time they have their child, is only barley hanging on but by a thread. 

That is something I really don’t want to happen to you or anything anybody for that matter. The desire to start a family is real. The longing never really ever goes away. However, your spouse is a real person too. With real feelings. Real emotions. Real needs. That must not be forgotten either. 

It’s ok to just take it one day at a time. It’s ok to not feel like you have it altogether. But allow your spouse the knowledge of knowing that you are there for them as well. Bring them in on what you are feeling and ask them how they are doing too. Remember, it takes two to make a marriage work and two to have a family. Raising a family was not meant to be done alone. Although people do it all the time, it was not the way God intended it to be done. 

Don’t get me wrong, marriage is hard work. And by no means am I an expert at it. My husband and I have good days and bad just like everyone else. I just try not to let the bad days get in the way of the good days. Letting the good days overshadow and allow the bad days to seem like they are a distant memory. My husband brings me such joy and laughter everyday. He knows how to make me feel loved and cherished and that is why even on bad days I can still find the good in them. 

Go on dates. Do simple chores together. Take a weekend and get out of the house. Run errands together. All of these things can bring you closer and closer together even just doing the mundane day to day things. I know, I love it when we get to go grocery shopping together or even laundry together. We have some of our best conversations over a pile of laundry just folding away and talking about our day and how we are doing. (I know, so romantic!) 

Just remember, you are both going through the journey to a family together. You both just might be showing it differently. Be aware of that and just keeping loving each other through the hard days. Love is a choice and not a feeling. If your spouse is feeling down then there is a reason for that and just love them more those days. I am praying for you, your infertility journey, and your marriage. Don’t give up hope! Just love another day! 

If you need a few date ideas, check out my post “Great Night for a Date Night” for a few fun activities to do together. 

Kristin’s Story

Recently, I had asked on my personal Facebook for anyone willing to share their infertility testimony for the blog. Shortly after, I heard from a friend of my parents saying she would be willing to share her story. I met Kristin in my short time living in Hawaii and my parents are still good friends with them. Here is her story in her own words. Be blessed by this testimony! 

Kristin wrote…

Infertility….still not an easy word to write and confess having to struggle with. My experience with infertility started in 2009, almost seven years ago. Some days it feels as if it never happened to us as a couple and other days I still feel the slight pain of having little control over my own body. I would first like to start off with saying how brave and proud of Vanessa I am. She is sharing her experience as she goes through it and I never felt strong enough to do that during my own journey. I felt alone, lost friendships, and struggled with both God and my husband; why couldn’t I become a Mom on my own terms? But I am on the other end of the tunnel now and can say without a doubt, that God had a greater plan than my own. When Vanessa asked for other’s stories, I felt like I was ready to share what I had gone through in order to bring comfort to others experiencing a similar situation. I relied heavily on hope through all of our struggles and at times it is all I had.  

To introduce myself, my name is Kristin and I am a mother of two adopted children. I am an adoptee myself, and always had a desire to adopt, but did not know exactly how that would look. So that takes us to 2009 and four years into our marriage. Like many young couples trying to conceive, we were told to give ourselves two years of trying naturally before we started any kind of treatment and so we did. Then two years came and went and I felt like there was a problem, but I was praying it was all in my head. It only took one visit to a fertility specialist to get a possible cause of our inability to conceive. As a couple we were not prime candidates, but I will speak of my own diagnosis since it is my testimony to share. When we had our first ultrasound, I was told I have a low ovarian reserve. A low ovarian reserve basically boils down to not having a large supply of eggs (you are born with all you have). At 24, I was told my egg count looked like that of a 42 year old. Not exactly what I was expecting at my age, this also meant fertility treatments might not work. You have to have numerous eggs in order for many of the treatments to even have a chance of working.  

So fast forward to our IUI and countless trips to the doctor, our first attempt failed. It was the most promising, ideal circumstances for our first procedure. When it failed our doctor told us our only real chance might be IVF, but it was unlikely due to not having enough eggs to fertilize. That day he did say he was glad we were considering adoption and thankfully for both of us we were open to it. IVF and adoption are far from cheap and we had to pray about where we wanted our savings to go to. God was giving me the push I needed to make adoption our way to grow our family. Similarly to IVF, adoption replaces needles with paperwork, hospitals with government offices, judgment of doctors and other patients with that of social workers, birthing classes with parenting classes, and includes the same stress of anxiously awaiting the unknown while displaying an outer shell of positivity and confidence. Adoption may not be a child born of your own blood, rather it is a child chosen by God that you are meant to parent. Our two children are not perfect, but they were perfectly created for us. I know that without a doubt.  

How it all started…Brett’s side of our love story.

I had asked my husband to write his side of the story on how we met for the blog. And he agreed! Here is his story…in his own words…Enjoy!

It was one of those moments you may see portrayed on hallmark. It’s a story as true as it may seem cliche. I had stood up to ask someone, anyone, to dance. No, I wasn’t desperate. Though I didn’t have a plus one myself, I was at a social dance that featured big band tunes. Before I go on, I’ll preface a bit to help lend context.
Before my freshman year of college, I had developed an interest for learning how to swing dance. If you’ve never tried it or seen it, look it up! It’s a lot of fun!
 And no, it’s not all acrobats, those are aerial steps…fun! but not necessary…alright, moving on… 

Well, it just so happened that, when I was looking for a pastime, I came across an evening group class for Swing Dancing! Sweet! So I signed up, made every class, and I was catching on really quick. As a matter of fact, so quick, I suppose, that the outgoing teacher who was leaving the next semester, decided to hand down the class to me and a fellow classmate. Well, we knew that as far as we had come, there was a lot more to learn. That’s around the time I heard about Southern Fried Swing from my teaching partner.” A whole weekend of swing dance workshops and a vintage dance? Awesome!” 

Before I go on, I have to say that it is pretty incredible how God orchestrates our circumstances and no, I don’t believe in coincidence, mere chance. 

So, there I was, looking to invite someone to dance the song. That’s when I looked up and saw her from the other side of the room. A small crowd dispersed to unveil, undoubtedly, the most beautiful woman at the dance. Yes, perhaps I remember it more dramatically than what had occurred, but it’s my favorite version and my heart raced none the less. She was talking and laughing with a group of friends. She wore a vintage red dress, with lips to match and curls in her hair. It was complete infatuation at first sight, but you know the one thing I did not do that night? Ask her to dance! I know, I’m a wimp. I was so nervous, I didn’t know how to approach her. Timidness aside, it was a night I’ll never forget. The next day went even better though! We both showed up to the same morning class without a partner. And although most of these classes rotate partners, we got to be paired for the majority of the class. It’s even where we had our first picture taken together… 


Yea…we were kind of tired at that point. 

Well, that night there was a smaller dance at a studio that we both showed up at AND… you guessed it… I asked her to dance! We maybe danced half the night and talked the rest. It was another unforgettable night. Driving back to Fayetteville I knew there was something about her. I had even thought, “I could marry someone like that.” 
However, and please forgive me all of you romantics, it was months from then when we contacted each other again. That’s a whole other story. But I will say, it was a day after praying for direction and help in all of my relationships, friends, family, and, God willing, a bride, that I had received a message from this lady asking if I was ever going to come to another swing dance again. That lady was my now bride of a little more than 4 years, Vanessa. And as they say, the rest is history. It wasn’t long after her message that we had our first date and no longer than that I decided that this was the woman I wanted to love for the rest of my life. 

 If you’re a human being, you understand how challenging life can be. And if you’re a married human being, you can understand the unique challenges that marriage can bear, but I have to say (and I hope you would agree) it is so worth it! Marriage never worked out because 2 people “fell in love.” Marriage works because 2 people decide to love and with the help of God we have had 4 beautiful years together and, God willing by His grace, we’ll have many more! 

Well, that’s how it started. I could share more, but to spare exhaustion I’ll leave it there. That’s my side of the story and I’m stick’n to it!

Worth the Wait

This is a phrase that I thought I would never say when it comes to our infertility journey and wanting to start our family. After close to 4 years of trying, both on our own and with medical help. I was probably one of the most impatient people when it came to wanting a baby. There were many nights that I would cry myself to sleep thinking about the fact that I may never be able to have kids of my own. Also the thought of the 2 little angels that I had already lost in the process. 

This past February, my husband just got out of the Army and we relocated to Central Florida. We had decided that with the move, transition, and new jobs we would just take a break from all fertility treatments and not even try on our own. At least for a few months anyway, until we could get settled. But God had other plans for us. 

In March we found out that we were pregnant! It was quite the shock and I honestly didn’t believe it at first. It wasn’t until I went to the doctor and got it confirmed there that I really believed it. After that appointment, it all started to sink in little by little. 

I AM GOING TO BE A MOM!

The first trimester, to say I was nervous, would be an understatement. After loosing my last two angels at about 6 weeks, every day to me was a victory. I was even thankful for my constant morning sickness and vomiting, because that meant that baby was growing like he/she should. 

I am now close to 17 weeks and have just recently started feeling little baby move and kick here and there. Those movements and flutters make me just beam every time. The reality of what is coming my way is just a joy to think about. Every little change that happens makes me smile. I just love this little one more than words can say. And feelings those movements and going through these changes, knowing what is to come in the very near future made every trial and waiting period worth it. 

It was all worth the wait. 

No matter what kind of ‘waiting’ that you are going through right now, allow yourself to grow and learn from it. I know that for me, having to go through all of this waiting with infertility has allowed me to open my eyes to others that may be hurting in ways that no one really thinks about in the day-to-day. It opened my eyes to a group of ladies that could really use the encouragement, support, and prayer that I could give to them and to you! I pray for each of you every day. Every time I see another view that came across my blog, I say a prayer for that person. That he/she will find hope in our story and never give up on their dreams just because those dreams might seem impossible at that moment. So just know…

You are loved. You are cherished. 

And,

It will all be worth the wait!

When Happy Places Turn Sad

This past October of 2015 my husband, Brett, and I had reached a point in infertility treatments that we decided to move on from just medications and injections to IUI (Introuterine Incemination, Read more about each of our treatments in my blog post Pins and Needles). The specialist we were working with was very optimistic about this cycle. Me being me, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But I was really looking forward to the fact that things were looking up for us and that we really did have a chance with this! And besides, having kids was something that we had prayed for and longed for, so why would it not work.

Around the time that we were going to do the procedure it was exactly 2 weeks before we were going to go to Florida to visit my parents and go to Disney. The day of the procedure came around and I was so nervous. All the ultrasounds leading up to this day looked great and there was nothing to cause alarm. So we were a go! Next phase…the dreaded 2 week wait! 

For anyone who has ever gone through fertility treatments before, these two weeks of waiting for the pregnancy test can be somewhat annoying and bring on anxiety you would not believe. Luckily, I didn’t have it quite as bad this time around because I was preparing for our trip. A trip to one of my favorite places. 

The day of the HCG blood test landed on the same day as the day we were going to be driving out to leave for Florida. So we stopped by the clinic on our way out of town to do the test and the whole day I was so antsy in the carto hear the news. And then we got the call that afternoon. It was positive! We just looked at each in the car and were so excited! Now was going to be the fun part, they wanted to track the hormone levels so they wanted a blood test every 2 days. Fun trying to do that while on vacation, but we figured it out, and we did it! 

The first 2 were normal and nothing to be alarmed about. The nurse said that they weren’t rising as fast as they would have liked but they were still rising and not dropping so that was good. Then the 3rd test came around. We went to the lab that morning and went to spend the day at Disney Springs. This is one of my favorite places to hang out and just enjoy the day. While we were there with my parents, I got a phone call I will never forget. I was standing right outside the World of Disney store. 

The nurse came on the phone and told me the hormone levels had dropped to zero, meaning I had lost the pregnancy. 

Miscarriage. Again.

I fumbled through the phone call and when I hung up, I just lost it. Not the way I wanted to end an evening. I had so many thoughts going through my mind right then that none of it made sense. I had so many hopes that were built up in me because of this. Already planning for life with a baby. All taken away from me with one phone call. We got through the rest of the night but it really wasn’t the same mood. Not as exciting and fun as it was the moments before the phone call. 

We now live in Florida and work and Disney World and are at Disney Springs quite often. That phone call runs through my mind every time I go. No matter how hard I try and push it out. It is always there. But then I think, maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it’s God’s way of keeping that precious little life apart of our family. A part of our story. 

We named her Annabelle. Anna meaning Merciful and Belle meaning Beauty. Our little Annabelle will never be forgotten and will always be loved even for the short amount of time that we had with her. 

So that happy place that turned sad will never be same for me. But, sad and depressing moments are also used to grow us. To turn us into who we are today. And, that sad memory is now a way for me to remember that precious life that was used to help us grow our faith and grow closer together as a couple. 

This is Life, This is Love

On the 22nd of June, it was my birthday. And let’s just say that sometimes we make plans and think everything is going to go just perfect! And then…

They don’t. Life just, happens. 

I had thought of these plans and made sure I was able to give away my shift for that day so I could have the day off. I ended up doing it on the 23rd instead because Brett was already supposed to have off that day and then we could spend the whole day together. But then…

We can’t. Life just, happens.

When Brett rechecked his schedule at the beginning of this week. He got scheduled to work that day. I was so upset. I had already given that day away to work myself so now we were back to the normal, I finally have a day off and you have to work but he doesn’t senario that has now become our life. Until something better than I could have planned myself ends up coming into play. 


A coworker of mine found out that my husband got scheduled on his day off and that I then had no one to hang out with during the day and was able to come and hang out with me for the day at Hollywood Studios! It turned into being a great day getting to know a new friend. After Brett got off work, he was able to meet us for a bit at the park and then my new friend had somewhere to be that evening so we parted ways. From there…

Disaster. Life just, happens.

We get to the parking lot and Brett says, “Please don’t be upset, but I forgot to get your birthday gift.” And if I am going to be honest, I was more than a little upset. Gifts is one of my top love languages and the fact that he forgot the gift for my birthday night together, well I was upset, no matter how hard I tried not to be. But we moved on. 

From there we went to Disney Springs for dinner to eat at one of my favorite sandwich places. That was good and nothing went wrong there. Just yummy food and great company with the hubby! 

After dinner was the one thing I was actually looking forward to the whole day. There was a comedian that performs a free show at one of the resorts on Wednesday through Sunday nights. All of which I am usually working. So I was super excited the day I took off was a night he was supposed to be there. There is a 20 min river cruise that goes from Disney Springs to the resort that was nice and relaxing. 

On the River Cruise


Well, we get there and he wasn’t there that night. He was off for this weekend. I was so crushed. The whole reason I took off when I did and he wasn’t there. I didn’t know what to do after that. Brett had found out before we got there that there was carriage rides and so he took me over to go and do that. And…you guessed it…they were booked up for the night. With all of this, I just wanted to go home, so we did. 

My night that I had waited for, for over a week had turned into what I thought was just the worst night ever. Great day but not a fun night. But then…

The unexpected. Love just, happens! 

The following day, I was scheduled for a day shift and Brett had off. He surprised me that morning and told me he would take me to and from work so I didn’t have to drive that day. Such a gentleman. When he picked me up that afternoon, and we arrived home, there was a meal of homemade French dip sandwiches, gifts all wrapped nice and neat on the counter, and the table set for two. 

He felt bad about the fact that the main thing that I was looking forward to the night before hadn’t happened. So he put together a dinner (with some help form my mom) and bought a DVD of one our favorite comedians and we had a comedy night at the house just us! That night was so much better than I could have planned by myself! All that I was upset about the day before all seemed so small and insignificant after coming home to that. I am truly blessed with such a caring and loving husband that really does care about my feelings. 

All this was a reminder of something. Something that is hard to remember sometimes. We make plans for a lot of things both big and small in life. Thinking that the world will come to an end if it doesn’t. But what does happen is better than what we origanlly planned. For instance, staring our family. I still have not learned why God made as long as we did or go through all that we did to get where we are ( and I may not ever learn), but I do know that God’s timing is always perfect and His plans are better than our own. Just like my husband’s planned night in was better than what I had planned out the night before. 

This is life, this is love! 

my gifts from my hubby!

Bed Rest, Rest for the Weary

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

A few weeks ago, I ended up in the ER for severe abdominal pains. I couldn’t stand up straight. I couldn’t walk without pain from each step. I was just overall in a lot of pain. Through an ultrasound, the doctor said that they found bleeding in my uterus that was the source of my pain. He said that it was probably nothing, but put me on best rest for 7 days just to be safe. 

To say I was very nervous about it would be an understatement. As much as the doctor thought it was nothing, he did say that there was a chance that bleeding is also a sign of an impending miscarriage. 

There was that word again, “miscarriage.” 

The thoughts that went through my mind as that word came out of his mouth were that of dread and anxiety. 

“Here we go again,” I thought to myself as I was trying to hold back the tears. I knew deep down, though, that we hadn’t come this far into the pregnancy for it to end, yet again. The last two pregnancies got as far as about 6 weeks each. Both ending before I got to ever see them on an ultrasound or feel them moving in my belly. But both, just as precious to me as this one. I was not ready to loose yet another baby. 

I started praying. 

A lot!

And everyday of being on bed rest, I started to realize something. God started showing me what true rest really is. All the anxiety and stress about the pregnancy and the burden of always thinking the worst will end up happening was taken away. Through my prayer that week, I was given a peace that only God can give. A peace that truly put my mind, not just my body, at rest. 

Sometimes, when we think of rest we think of a physical rest. Which is true at some points in life. But have you ever thought of the fact that maybe He was more talking about putting your mind at rest? I know that sometimes my mind will go a thousand different directions going from one thought to the next about the future, about jobs, about the baby, etc that it never slows down to reflect what is going on in that moment and all that God has brought us through already. 

God showed me that week, that slowing down my mind and giving all those thoughts to Him, will be the most restful thing that I could ever do. Like it says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” If God has already worked out a plan for our lives, then why should we worry about and be distraught about the future? Why not just lay it down and accept the gifts of peace and rest that He is so willingly able to give and know that He has it all worked out? 

The rest I now feel in my mind about the duration of this pregnancy is something that I could have never come to on my own. God has been with me through and I am daily reminded that He has never left in the first place. 

No matter what you are going through, know that God is there and ready to give you peace and rest in any situation. Just lean on Him and lay it down before. He has been there and always will be there for you!

Pam’s Story

Pam is a family friend that has been friend’s with my mom’s parents since my mom was a little girl. Needless to say, I have known her and her husband Jerry my whole life. They are like a second family to me. Recently, Pam had read my blog post, “What’s in a name?.” This blog was the story about my husband and I’s first miscarriage and how we named that baby. After reading it, I received an email of her sharing her story about a miscarriage her and her husband went through and asked if I could share with all of you. I am just going to copy and paste the whole letter here. There is no other words I could say to better explain and show her heart. Be encouraged by her story…

Hi Vanessa,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I didn’t see your message until today and decided to write this as an attachment because of the length. I loved your blog about naming Jonathan. Your messages are about hope to the many women whose hearts are breaking because of infertility. You also express yourself beautifully and from the heart. The Lord is using you more than you know.

Several years after having our second son, Scott (goes by Spencer now), I found myself pregnant. We had used birth control, so this was quite a surprise. We were excited and I had never had any problems with pregnancy – other than the daily morning sickness. I was 3-4 months along when I started to spot. When I went to the doctor, he told me that they could no longer hear a heartbeat. They also wanted me to abort the pregnancy naturally, so I went home expecting this to happen soon.

 After a month, and no miscarriage, I went back to the doctor and pleaded with him to end the pregnancy. It was so devastating to carry this baby that no longer had life in his being. It took quite an emotional toll on both Jerry and me. I also felt that this was the little girl that would complete our family.

 A number of years later, I was thinking about the baby and decided to name her. I have always loved the name Rachel (innocent as a lamb), and so Rachel she became. When Jeff and Jannah were pregnant with their first child, they asked us to help pick out names. Jeff asked me what my favorite girls name was and I said “Rachel.” They discussed quite a few options and let us know their decision. Thus, our oldest granddaughter is named Raechel.  

 Not only do we have our Rachel in heaven, but our Raechel here on earth. She is a wonderful, young woman, with an innocence that is uncommon today. She just turned 21 and loves the Lord with her whole heart. We are so proud of her and couldn’t love her more!

 Many years ago, the Lord revealed a very special thing about our Rachel. He showed me that these babies who are miscarried will be waiting in heaven for their parents. We will spend eternity with these precious ones. They have souls, so I believe they will also have bodies. We will be able to o embrace them for the first and never-ending time.

 Sweet Vanessa, you and Brett have had quite a journey. Out of trial comes transformation. Your precious little Jonathan will be waiting for you with arms open wide. Your heartache will be exchanged for unimaginable joy and your tears for love and laughter.  

 You and Brett are precious to the Lord, and he knows your pain…He has also lost a Son!!! I’m praying that the Lord will perfectly knit together your cherished child. As it says in Psalms 139:13-16:

 Psalm 139:13 It was you who formed my internal organs, fashioning me within my mother’s

womb

Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from you while I was being crafted in a hidden place, knit

   together in the depths of the earth.

Psa 139:16 Your eyes looked upon my embryo, and everything was recorded in your book. The

   days scheduled for my formation were inscribed, even though not one of them had come yet.

 I will close with the fact that the Lord is carrying you during this time. The Footprints poem is so perfect. Hang in there, Honey. You have many people praying for all of you.

 

​Love n’ hugs, Pam

———————

Footprints  in the Sand Poem

By Mary Stevenson

One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. 

“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You’d walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you.”

The Month of June

Tomorrow, we enter into a new month. Official start of summer! So many fun exciting things about this month for me. For example, it’s my birthday month (28 here we come!), our wedding ceremony anniversary (wow 4 years already. Time flies!), Father’s Day (this has always been special to me because it’s so close to my birthday that my dad and I would always do things just the two of us to celebrate.), high school graduation (Marks 10 years this year since I graduated. Yikes! I’m old!), the official start of summer, and few other life events that really just make this month a great one. 

However, the month of June also bring into play some memories that I wish I could forget. Memories of events that I wish I had never had to go through and wouldn’t wish on anyone else. For starters it is the month that we found out we were pregnant with our first baby and subsequently miscarried 5 days after finding out. We named him, Jonathan. (If you would like to read more about that story click Here.) This month was also the month that my husband, Brett, left for a 5 month deployment to Afghanistan, 2 weeks after I had surgery and was still recovering. These are just 2 events of a many others that really puts a damper on this of so exciting month of celebration and amazing life events. 

But you know what? 

As much as I can let the memories of the tragic events consume me and depress me this month. And people would probably not blame me for it. But I won’t. I could wallow in self pity and cry myself to sleep every night. And people would probably be understanding. But I won’t.

You know why?

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 states, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,…”

Shortly after the events of the miscarriage and the deployment, I had my time of weeping, of mourning. And that is ok. It is actually healthy to let yourself cry. But, one thing I have learned through the tough times, you should never let those times outweigh the good times.  Don’t let yourself sit in that thought/memory that you are no longer able to see the joy around you. The devil will do anything to steal your joy away. Don’t let him! 

Those memories will never leave me. And as much as it would be nice to always have memories of the happy and good times, those events helped shape me more into the person I am today. As hard as they were to go through, I am thankful I am, with God’s help, stronger because of them. 

“There is a time for everything,…” 

Allow yourself the time to process, grieve, and understand the hard times. Just don’t let it steal your joy! 

I pledge that the month of June is one to remember the hard times, while finding joy in the good times! 

Remember, I am always here for you! Feel free to contact me through email (fertileatheart@gmail.com), Facebook (Fertile at Heart) or leave a comment below if you have anything prayer requests or just need a listening ear!